Paul E. Parrot, Studio Detective, Issue 1

Paul E. Parrot: Studio Detective

By Daniel Kalban

Characters, Story, Script etc belongs to Daniel Kalban ©2015

Any special guest appearances belong to their various studios or estates

Page 1

Panel 1

An establishing shot of Hollywood in the late 1930s. The hill still has a sign that says “Hollywoodland” on it, as houses of the rich and famous rise around it. In the valley, we can see various studios. (Note, the narrator is NEVER seen)

NARRATOR: Hollywood, at the dawn of the Golden Age of Cinema! Cradled within the Hollywood hills, the studios and the stars produce masterpieces that will stand the test of time. However, it is a competitive industry, and the stars, and studio profits, must be kept safe.

Panel 2

A shot of the MGM lot from above.

NARRATOR: As such, the studios have several in house detectives to investigate any wrongdoings within their walls. At MGM, their detective is…unique. How unique? You’ll see soon enough.

Panel 3

We zoom down toward the streets in the studio….

Panel 4

We see a man running through the street, knocking over clothes going from Wardrobe to a set. This angers the wardrobe mistress who was pushing the rack.

WARDROBE MISTRESS: HEY!

PERVERT: Out of my way!

Panel 5

The pervert turns the corner, startling some actresses dressed in medieval clothing.

PERVERT: I must be nuts! No way is that…thing the studio’s private dick.

Page 2

Panel 1

Suddenly he is facing down the barrel of an oversized pistol

PAUL E. PARROT: (off panel) Far enough, perv. Now, hand over Ms. Harlow’s panties, nice and easy.

Panel 2

We see the oversized pistol is held by the wing of a large Scarlet Macaw, that seems to be wearing a trenchcoat.

PAUL E. PARROT: (off panel) Do anything foolish, well….

Panel 3

Big panel of Paul E. Parrot, pointing his gun at the perv. Paul wears a trenchcoat and either a fedora or a porkpie hat. He has a no nonsense expression. Unlike the flesh-and-blood man, he is a cartoon parrot.

PAUL E. PARROT: …You’ll have your butt shot off by a Toon!

NARRATOR: Yes, dear readers, you’ve entered a Hollywood where Toons live and work alongside human beings like yourself. Several toons have become pillars of the Hollywood community. And Paul E. Parrot, the MGM studio detective, is one of those pillars.

Page 3

Panel 1

The pervert starts running.

Panel 2

Paul sighs

PAUL E PARROT: Had to choose the hard way. Crazy human, leave the Looney to the Toons.

Panel 3

He fires his gun, but the recoil sends him flying backwards.

SFX BANG!

SFX: WOOSH!

Panel 4

The bullet tags the man in the shoulder

PERVERT: AHHH!

Panel 5

Paul goes flying past actors and studio employees

Panel 6

Paul smacks right into a wall, becoming a cartoon pancake

SFX: SPLAT!

PAUL E. PARROT: Oww….

Page 4

Panel 1

We see an athletically built anthromorphic golden retriever walk through the streets. He wears a newsie cap, a sweater, pants with a hole for his tale, and shoes. He seems to be the equivalent of a teenager. This is Rory Retriever.

RORY RETRIEVER: Pa? Pa?!

PAUL E. PARROT: (off panel) Over here!

Panel 2

Paul removes himself from the wall with a POP! as Rory approaches

SFX: POP!

PAUL E. PARROT: Culprit went that way! After him, Rory!

RORY RETRIEVER: What about you?

PAUL E. PARROT: I’m fine, just go!

Panel 3

Rory’s legs does the Scooby Doo run look as he prepares to run after the man.

Panel 4

He knocks Paul back as he sets off.

Panel 5

The pervert keeps running

PERVERT: Almost out of here---

Panel 6

He doesn’t know Rory is ahead of him on the path.

Page 5

Panel 1

Rory reaches into his pocket.

RORY RETREIVER: Now where is that—aha!

Panel 2

Rory takes out from his pocket a GIANT Mallet!

Panel 3

The pervert runs toward him

PERVERT: Out of my way, Toon!

Panel 4

Rory smacks him in the head with the mallet.

SFX: POW!

Panel 5

The man is on the ground, seeing stars. Rory glares at him.

RORY RETRIEVER: I may be a Toon, but at least I have manners.

Panel 6

Paul flies over as Rory looks proud

PAUL E. PARROT: Well, guess that wraps of the case of the MGM panty snatcher. Now--

Page 6

Panel 1

The door to Paul’s office. The label simply says P.E. Parrot and Son, Studio Detectives.

PAUL E. PARROT: (narrating) –let’s go back to the office.

DOLLY LAMA: (from inside) Mr. Parrot’s office, this is his secretary speaking.

Panel 2

We see a poster on the wall that reads “Cartoon Calvacade presents a Paul E. Parrot Toon: Puppy Watching” that shows a picture of a cat dressed in a sweater, bowler hat, and cigar threatening a Golden Retriever puppy (implied to be Rory) who is trying to punch him as a parrot (implied to be Paul) tries to fly away with him.

DOLLY LAMA: (off panel) No, Mr. Parrot is not in at the moment.

Panel 3

We see a photo of Paul holding an Oscar with a newspaper clipping that reads “P.E. Parrot wins Best Actor in a Cartoon, beats Bunny and Mouse”.

DOLLY LAMA: (off panel) Any statement about today’s events will be announced by press release.

Panel 4

We then see another clipping: “MGM To Close Cartoon Calvacade, Parrot Out Of Work.”

DOLLY LAMA: (off panel) Well, for you, Ms. Hopper, I think he can sit down for an interview later.

Panel 5

We focus on two documents, the first is a license from the LAPD to be a  private investigator. The second is another newspaper clipping that reads “PE Parrot To Be Chief Dick At MGM”

DOLLY LAMA: (off panel) It would likely anger Mr. Mayer, but I don’t think Mr. Parrot will mind.

Page 7

Panel 1

We see a crowded desk. There is a nameplate: “Dolly Lama, Secretary” in front. We can see a well bosomed woman is sitting at it talking on the phone, she is a redheaded knockout. This is Dolly Lama, aspiring actress and secretary/Girl Friday to Paul.

DOLLY LAMA: I’ll let him know. Thank you, Hedda.

Panel 2

As Dolly puts down the phone, Paul opens the door with a slam

SFX: SLAM!

PAUL E. PARROT: *sings* Hello, Dolly!

DOLLY LAMA: I see you have another successful case. Hedda Hopper wants to talk to you about it, by the way.

Panel 3

Paul enters the room, followed by Rory.

PAUL E. PARROT: Is she willing to risk Louis B.’s wrath?

DOLLY LAMA: Yes.

PAUL E. PARROT: Good.

RORY RETRIEVER: Hey, Dolly.

DOLLY LAMA: Hey, sweetie.

Panel 4

Paul hops onto Dolly’s desk.

PAUL E. PARROT: So, como se lama, Lama? I thought you had a screen test lined up.

DOLLY LAMA: I did, the producer decided to go ahead and force his mistress into the role.

Panel 5

Paul stares at Dolly’s bosom

PAUL E. PARROT: Well, he’s missing out.

Page 8

Panel 1

Rory looks nervous as we hear an off panel slam

RORY RETRIEVER: Pa, do you think that’s a  good—

SFX: SLAM!

Panel 2

Paul is seeing small versions of himself flying over his head as Dolly holds a heavy book in her hand

DOLLY LAMA: Now, what did we say, Mr. Parrot, about staring at my breasts?

PAUL E. PARROT: I get hit with a heavy book. Is today’s special Russian literature?

DOLLY LAMA: No, Joyce.

Panel 3

Paul snaps out of it as Dolly looks amused

PAUL E. PARROT: Pretty heavy reading for a vaudeville child star.

DOLLY LAMA: Actually, I borrowed it from Rory. Must be heavy reading for a former toon child star.

Panel 4

Paul gives Rory a look as the teen toon dog looks sheepish

RORY RETRIEVER: Actually, I’ve read that one twice.

PAUL E. PARROT: Oy….

Panel 5

Paul flies over to his desk, where his chair is a modified perch.

PAUL E. PARROT: I’m gonna take a nap, sweetheart, see that I’m not disturbed until lunch.

DOLLY LAMA: Yes, Mister Parrot…..

Page 9

Panel 1

Inside a soundstage, we see people setting up to film The Wizard of Oz. The main actors are standing on the Yellow Brick Road. The director, Victor Fleming is getting ready.

VICTOR FLEMING: Places everyone for “Off To See The Wizard Reprise!”

Panel 2

Judy Garland looks at Bert Lahr, who looks nervous

JUDY GARLAND: Something wrong, Mr. Lahr?

BERT LAHR: Huh? Oh, nothing, Judy dear. Just staying in character.

Panel 3

Victor Fleming turns to his assistant, Tom, who is a nervous thin young man wearing glasses with VERY thick lenses.

VICTOR FLEMING: Start playback.

Panel 4

We see someone standing on a “tree limb” wearing a Dorothy costume as the actors proceed to skip down the road.

VICTOR FLEMING: (off panel) And, action!

ACTORS: (singing) We're off to see the wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

We hear he is a whiz of a wiz, if ever a wiz there was

If ever, oh ever a wiz there was, The Wizard of Oz is one because

Because, because, because, because, because—

Panel 5

The branch the person is on snaps.

SFX: *snap*

Page 10

Panel 1

Splash panel. A young women wearing the Dorothy costume dangles from a tree limb, hanging from the neck by a rope. This terrifies the actors. Bert Lahr faints, Judy Garland screams, Ray Bolger and Jack Haley react slightly more calmly.

JUDY GARLAND: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

JACK HALEY: Oh my God!

RAY BOLGER: Someone get a ladder, quickly!

Page 11

Panel 1

The phone on Dolly’s desk rings.

SFX: RING RING RING

Panel 2

Dolly picks it up

DOLLY LAMA: Mr. Parrot’s office, this is his secretary speaking.

Panel 3

She listens

DOLLY LAMA: Yes? Oh I see. How terrible. I’ll let him know right away.

Panel 4

She hangs up.

Panel 5

She walks over to a sleeping Paul. Rory is at a smaller desk, doing paperwork.

Page 12

Panel 1

DOLLY LAMA: Paul, you got a case….

PAUL E. PARROT: Zzzzzz

DOLLY LAMA: High priority.

Panel 2

Paul still sleeps, Dolly is annoyed.

DOLLY LAMA: Well then….

Panel 3

She yells, startling Paul and making him fall off his perch. Rory reacts by covering his ears.

DOLLY LAMA: WAKE UP, BIRDBRAIN! THERE’S BEEN A DEATH ON THE LOT!

Panel 4

Paul looks up angrily from the floor

PAUL E. PARROT: And you want the entire studio to know?

Panel 5

Dolly grabs Paul’s coat for him as Rory holds his ears

DOLLY LAMA: It’s on the Wizard of Oz set. Seems a double hanged herself.

RORY RETRIEVER: (whimpering) My ears….

Panel 6

Dolly kisses Rory on the forehead as Paul angrily grabs his hat

DOLLY LAMA: Sorry, sweetie. This’ll make things better.

PAUL E. PARROT: Oh sure, kiss the boy when HE’S in pain. Come on, Rory, time to go.

Page 13

Panel 1

Paul and Rory are on the set. Ray Bolger and Burt Lahr are standing by. Paul is looking at the victim while Rory eats a bag of Lay’s Potato chips.

PAUL E. PARROT: Name of deceased?

RORY RETRIEVER: Betty Brandt, she was Judy’s…Ms. Garland’s stunt double.

PAUL E. PARROT: I want you to talk to Ms. Garland, if you can.

RORY RETRIEVER: Yes, Pa.

Panel 2

Rory walks past a nervous Bert Lahr.

RORY RETRIEVER: Something the matter, Mr. Lahr?

BERT LAHR: Nothing, I just feel light headed.

RORY RETRIEVER: Want some chips? Bet you can’t eat just one.

Panel 3

Rory hands over the bag of chips to Bert Lahr

RORY RETRIEVER: Actually, feel free to finish the bag.

Panel 4

Rory walks toward a trailer as Paul sees something curious on her neck

PAUL E. PARROT: Hrm…

Panel 5

There is a pinprick hole on the back of the victim’s neck.

PAUL E. PARROT: (off panel) I think we can rule out suicide. I think she was drugged.

Page 14

Panel 1

Judy Garland is weeping into a handkerchief in her trailer, as her hand is being held by Fleming’s assistant, Tom. Rory has a pencil and pad at the ready.

JUDY GARLAND: Oh, Rory, this is terrible. Poor Betty….

RORY RETRIEVER: I know this is, Judy. But I need to ask a few questions.

JUDY GARLAND: Of course. Tom, can you get me a glass of water and my pills?

TOM: Yes, Ms. Garland.

Panel 2

The assistant leaves as Rory begins his interview

RORY RETRIVER: Was Betty depressed or upset about anything lately?

JUDY GARLAND: No, she was happy as she could be. She just got engaged to an assistant director who’s working on Gone With The Wind with Mr. Cukor.

RORY RETRIEVER: Well, these things can happen out of the blue.

Panel 3

Judy shakes her head.

JUDY GARLAND: No, I think her killer was after me.

RORY RETRIEVER: Huh?

Panel 4

Judy opens a drawer

JUDY GARLAND: It happened a week ago. I got back to my trailer after shooting a scene, and there’s this letter….

Panel 5

She takes out the letter.

Panel 6

She reads the letter

JUDY GARLAND: “How dare you dishonor the words of Baum with your jazz singing! You are too old for the part! For your crimes, you must die!”

Page 15

Panel 1

Judy crumples the letter in her hand

JUDY GARLAND: I thought it was a prank, or something from a deranged fan. I didn’t know something like this would happen.

Panel 2

She weeps, Rory comforts her

RORY RETRIEVER: It’s not your fault, Judy….

Panel 3

Tom comes in with the water and pills

TOM: Here you are, Ms. Garland.

JUDY GARLAND: Thank you, Tom.

Panel 4

Rory watches nervously as Judy downs the pills

RORY RETRIEVER: Are you sure those are safe?

TOM: They’re her energy pills, the studio wants her peppy and healthy.

RORY: I see…

Panel 5

He shakes Judy’s hand

RORY RETRIEVER: Rest up, Judy.

JUDY GARLAND: Thank you, Rory.

Panel 6

Rory leaves Judy’s trailer as Mickey Rooney approaches

MICKEY ROONEY: Hey Rory. How is she?

RORY RETRIEVER: Not good, Mickey. She’ll be happy to see you.

Page 16

Panel 1

Paul is watching the LAPD Medical Examiner take away the body as he talks to Detective Hopper, who looks like he stepped out of a film noir. Bert Lahr can be seen eating the chips, getting crumbs on his costume.

PAUL E. PARROT: Look, Ed, I want a report on what might be in her blood, if you can, as well as an autopsy.

DET. HOPPER: You certain this isn’t a suicide?

PAUL E. PARROT: With a pinprick in her neck? Either she got the ice pick treatment or she was drugged. Either way, it was then staged to look like she hanged herself.

Panel 2

Hopper walks off as Rory approaches

RORY RETRIVER: Well, Judy thinks this isn’t suicide. She thinks she was the real target, and Ms. Brandt was the one who was killed. Someone sent Judy a death threat a week ago.

Panel 3

Paul nods

PAUL E. PARROT: She might be right. I think Ms. Brandt was drugged by her killer, thinking she was Ms. Garland. When he found out she wasn’t his target, he killed her anyways.

RORY RETRIEVER: Yeesh.

Panel 4

Paul begins flying off, Rory runs after him

PAUL E. PARROT: Well, it’s lunchtime. How about at the Lionsgate? Get some info from Casper.

RORY RETRIEVER: Wait for me.

Panel 5

Paul approaches a taxi

PAUL E. PARROT: The Lionsgate please.

TAXI DRIVER: I don’t serve toons!

Panel 6

Paul looks pissed as the taxi driver drives away. Rory has a sheepish grin on his face

RORY RETRIEVER: Well, it’s not a far walk.

PAUL E. PARROT: *sigh*

Page 17

Paul 1

The exterior of The Lionsgate. It is a fancy restaurant in Art Deco style, with two statues of Leo The Lion flanking the door. There is lush landscaping, and plenty of palm trees. Paul (sitting on Rory’s shoulder) and Rory approach the hulking bouncer at the door.

PAUL E. PARROT: Hey, Mac, is Casper in?

MAC: Yes, Mr. Parrot, I’ll have Brutus take you to his table.

Panel 2

Mac and Rory follow another bouncer, this time a cartoon bull, through the restaurant. At the tables, in shadow, are silhouettes of various celebs and cartoons at the time.

Panel 3

They approach a table at a high dais

CASPER CAT: (off panel) Well, my dear friends, you really should have telephoned….

Panel 4

Casper Cat sits at the table in front of a photo of himself. While recognizable as the cat on the poster in Paul’s office, he is wearing a white tuxedo and a monocle. He holds a cigarette holder in his hand. There is a salad at his place. He has an air of Noel Coward about him.

CASPER CAT: Brutus, be a lamb and get Mr. Parrot his usual birdseed mix, and Mr. Retriever the steak special.

Page 18

Panel 1

Another bouncer places a perch next to Casper

CASPER CAT: So, Paul, how can I help you today, besides offering my hospitality?

Panel 2

Paul flaps over to the perch as Rory sits on Casper’s other side

PAUL E. PARROT: Well, knowing you, you probably heard about the events on the Oz set.

CASPER CAT: Indeed I have, such a tragedy.

Panel 3

Casper taps his cigarette into an ash tray

CASPER CAT: They’ve been having issues from the beginning you know. Cast changes, director changes, mishaps with the special effects and make up….

PAUL E. PARROT: (off panel) I know this, Casper, I hear it all the time on the lot.

Panel 4

Rory grabs a piece of bread from a breadbasket offered by Brutus

RORY RETRIEVER: It seems that our victim was not the intended one. Judy Garland thinks she was the target.

Panel 5

Casper blows a smoke ring into the air.

CASPER CAT: I see...Well, I might have a theory.

Page 19

Panel 1

Casper places his holder into the tray

CASPER CAT: As you know, Ms. Garland wasn’t the original choice to play Dorothy.

RORY RETRIEVER: (off panel) Yeah, I was talking to Mickey Rooney when she was cast and I heard that.

Panel 2

Casper picks up a fork.

CASPER CAT: Well, it might surprise you to know that the original choice was Shirley Temple.

Panel 3

Casper begins eating his salad as Paul talks. Brutus and another bouncer place the birdseed and steak special in front of Paul and Rory respectively.

PAUL E. PARROT: But, Temple’s at Fox.

RORY RETRIEVER: According to Mickey, she would have been on loan for the film.

Panel 4

Casper nods

CASPER CAT: Indeed, apparently she was not happy that this deal fell through.

Panel 5

Paul looks incredulous

PAUL E. PARROT: So, you’re telling me Shirley Temple put a hit out on Judy Garland.

Panel 6

Casper merely takes another forkful of salad

CASPER CAT: I wouldn’t put it past her, or her mother.

Page 20

Panel 1

Rory looks incredulous as well

RORY RETRIEVER: Shirley would never—

Panel 2

Paul gives Rory a look from across the table

PAUL E. PARROT: You two have personal history, Rory; you were her costar when you both were starting out. You can’t let that blind you when on a case.

RORY RETRIEVER: But you don’t believe it either.

Panel 3

Paul points at Casper, who is eating his salad

PAUL E. PARROT: I still can’t believe Casper is a vegetarian, and yet he’s been one all the years we’ve known him.

Panel 4

Casper places his fork down.

CASPER CAT: Yes, that made shooting scenes with you in my mouth very uncomfortable for me.

PAUL E. PARROT: For you? Who was the one covered in slobber?

Panel 5

Casper tents his fingers

CASPER CAT: Point is, gentlemen, is that even a flimsy thread might lead you to the truth.

Page 21

Panel 1

Rory still isn’t convinced

RORY RETRIEVER: But Shirley Temple? A killer?

PAUL E. PARROT: (off panel) Well, it’s likely she hired a hit man.

Panel 2

Casper adjusts his monocle.

CASPER CAT: Or her mother did. Stage mothers are infamously protective of their children’s fame…and live vicariously through that.

Panel 3

Rory sighs

RORY RETRIEVER: Fine. But I should be the one to talk to her.

Panel 4

Paul nods

PAUL E. PARROT: Fair enough. Just don’t let your history blind you.

RORY RETRIEVER: Right.

Panel 5

Casper Cat picks up his cigarette

CASPER CAT: Well, friends, time for me to fill you in on the latest gossip.

Page 22

Panel 1

Roy Bolger, Jack Haley, and Bert Lahr, now in suits, are walking through the studio lot

ROY BOLGER: Filming suspended, again! It’s like this film is cursed!

JACK HALEY: I was going to go to the Brown Derby, care to come along gents.

BERT LAHR: I got a poker game in a couple hours, but sure.

Panel 2

Haley stops

BERT LAHR: What is it, Jack?

Panel 3

Jack Haley shakes his head

JACK HALEY: It’s nothing.

Panel 4

We see a pair of binoculars staring out of a bush

JACK HALEY: (off panel) Thought someone was watching me.

CAPTION: TO BE CONTINUED

Back Cover Gag

Rory and Casper hold up a copy of the MGM logo, with the words changed to “CARTOON CALVACADE STUDIOS” with the motto “Trust The Parrot” instead of the MGM Latin motto. Paul takes the place of Leo the Lion

PAUL E. PARROT: SQUAWWWWWWWWWWK!